I woke up in a philosophical mood today. But oops! its Valentine’s Day, I SHOULD have woken up to a beautiful love note. And so I pushed all those pestering thoughts behind and stuffed my mind with pleasing thoughts of love divine to once again meet life with perfection and plastic smile!
But no matter how hard I tried to silent this little voice, it creeped in again and again. Sometimes in bad mood, sometimes in irritability, sometimes in depression and sometimes feeling a strange void and meaninglessness. The harder I curbed, the louder it got. This voice was eating up my mind when I SHOULD be working!
To get my peace of mind and do what I should be doing, I had to listen. While, I was still looking at the clock for the time gone wasted, my soul wanted me to look at the years gone wasted. Because, I had been so full of judgments and ideas about what I should and shouldn’t be doing, I failed to see what I really wanted to do or what my soul wanted to do.
My soul don’t want to work today, but I SHOULD. My soul wants to go out enjoy the weather outside, but I should sit inside and cater to my child, my soul wants to eat dark chocolate, but I should be eating my lunch, my soul wants to bathe under moonlight, but I should rather go to bed……..and so on.
I was now attentive. My soul had a point. For all these years, I had failed to listen to my soul. It was getting buried deeper and deeper. And every time it tried to get through to me, I dismissed it as mere whimsy, folly or illogical desire. But mainly, I feared it.
I was scared of where it can lead me. How it can make my life and those around me uncomfortable to live. How uncertain it can get. Because soul never cares about certainty. All it cares about is freedom. But this time it was not simply whispering its naive desire to my ears. It actually wanted to me stop and listen.
I was so busy in trying to impress and please everyone around that I failed to please my own soul. Talk about pleasing? I killed my soul in the process. I was so worried of what people will think when they will come to know my real feelings that I tried even harder to crush them with a mask of perfection.
The more worried I got that someone will see through, the more pressure I put upon myself to keep the masks in place. Yes, the different masks of perfection – mask of a perfect writer, perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect daughter, perfect daughter in law, perfect sister, and perfect friend!
Keeping up appearances can be draining. It can also be destructive and dangerous. It can damage your soul in the process. All you will be left with is hopelessness, meaninglessness and emptiness. No matter, how perfect it looks on outside, things can never be perfect unless your core is perfect.
And that’s what my soul wanted me too see. It wanted me to see the scars and bruises, I have inflicted upon my soul after years of selling myself-trying to please people, ignoring my own wishes for people’s happiness, trying to fit in and be perfect all the time.
My soul wanted me to quit apologizing for who I truly am and just be. After all, I am. I am just being, neither good nor bad. For who demarcates the line between right or wrong, good or bad? Its not just about me. But many of us get caught in this trap. We sell our integrity for some small superficial gain.
How many times have you tried to please someone? How many times you have tried to wear a mask to cover your true feelings? How many times have you wondered, are you truly free? But is the whole experience actually worth its price? Is the small happiness you gain from pleasing people worth trading your integrity?
You will give some expensive present to someone, do, act, or behave as someone wants/expects you too, he/she will get happy for the moment but then what after that. They will forget after the moment and get back to the same track. And what about you? You will get back to your emptiness!
So whats the whole point? Whats the deal to lose oneself in pleasing people who can never be pleased. Such a futile exercise but such a killing behavior!