Sometimes marriage isn’t what you have always dreamt it to be. You are in a relationship but still you’re alone! Six years of married life and loneliness has become the order of my life. I had never been a person so singing about my feelings but I had also never been so distant!
Life has become a routine stuck in the four walls of the house and this is not what I had imagined it to be. Though on the surface I play my part well, cleverly hiding the feelings of misery under the garb of normalcy but on the inside I know it’s fake.
A lump is gradually building up in my throat and I feel fearful of a sudden outbreak. I don’t know if everyone is unhappy but I know they are all too busy to give much thought and let anything disrupt the calm of their so called happy life.
As long as they are busy in their careers, worrying over their children, their husbands, what they are going to cook in dinner, what they need to buy and blah blah blah; they appear happy. And I am also urged to follow suit.
After all, I have everything a girl can possibly dream of – a loving husband, an adorable child, a content home, good health! But I fail to understand, is that all there’s to life? Is the meaning of a happy life only limited to having a home, children, stable family and a husband who will become more like an affectionate family member than an impassioned companion?
I know I should be happy with what I have but yet I can’t seem to escape the feeling that there can be something more to this. It’s not that I don’t love my husband or the spark has faded but letting my life slip-slid away in mundane routine is also too painful.
I feel trapped in a domestic life that’s making me feel powerless to reach for my dreams. I love my family but it is suffocating me more and more each day. In marriage and more so in marriage with children, you know you just can’t leave.
And so I choose to be alone. I remain aloof because I don’t want to let anyone down. My isolation isn’t about my gloom or discontent but it is about creating a life which isn’t helpless or powerless. My isolation isn’t about despair or hopelessness but it is about looking into the future so that there actually is a future.
And in my secluded haven I have learnt to rebuild a world full of fancies and splendor. It is through my writing this world comes alive recycling my all scars into beauty and glory. It helps me step back from my dreary life – rearrange the slivers of broken dreams and escape into a life that makes sense to me.
Writing gives me that much needed release – offering me peep into a world I can never be to – visit places I have never been to – meet people I have never met – see things I have never seen – hear voices I have never heard – and experience emotions I have never felt.
Loneliness has been a constant companion as long as I can remember. It is part of my life still. It is part of my life but it’s not my life!