Learning to Appreciate Beauty in Order

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Spring never fails to remind me about the days gone by. Memories of being young, nervous child; impatiently waiting for the exams to get over so that I can treasure time reading about stuff that caught my fancy, come all alive. Ah, what a semi-futile attempt it used to be to make up for those boring school course and text books without spirit!

How I hated those history classes and always thought doing algebra in class was unnecessary. After all, what are calculators for? But those were my thoughts back then. Now, in my thirties and mother of a five year old, I realize it was all important indeed!

This reminds me of something I read recently, “youth is wasted on the young, young love fades, people come and go… you can’t go home again and that it’s all over too soon.” I don’t know how far it’s true but I certainly do wish to censor and edit some of the life changes.

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But at the same time, I also I can’t imagine life with a set routine, strict rules, and discipline! A life when every day is the same, when spring is the same as autumn, and when there is no change, no surprise. So I feel, it is not youth that is wasted on the young but life that is wasted on the old!

And before I get old, I want to make the most of it. Make each moment count, every memory special, and every day a new day by cherishing all the little changes, nasty challenges, and difficult times that life has to offer.

And so I am despite the never ending trail of my routine stuck days thankful of those few perfectly paced moments that land on my lap every once in a while to make my day special. The weather this evening is nothing short of perfect.

Learning-to-appreciate-beauty-in-order

And though I am unable to go out and enjoy the eve to its core, relaxing on my terrace while watching the different colors of spring in the sky, I am also learning to appreciate a slower pace of life and a strange beauty in order!

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Why I choose to be Alone

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Sometimes marriage isn’t what you have always dreamt it to be. You are in a relationship but still you’re alone! Six years of married life and loneliness has become the order of my life. I had never been a person so singing about my feelings but I had also never been so distant!

Life has become a routine stuck in the four walls of the house and this is not what I had imagined it to be. Though on the surface I play my part well, cleverly hiding the feelings of misery under the garb of normalcy but on the inside I know it’s fake.

A lump is gradually building up in my throat and I feel fearful of a sudden outbreak. I don’t know if everyone is unhappy but I know they are all too busy to give much thought and let anything disrupt the calm of their so called happy life.

As long as they are busy in their careers, worrying over their children, their husbands, what they are going to cook in dinner, what they need to buy and blah blah blah; they appear happy. And I am also urged to follow suit.

After all, I have everything a girl can possibly dream of – a loving husband, an adorable child, a content home, good health! But I fail to understand, is that all there’s to life? Is the meaning of a happy life only limited to having a home, children, stable family and a husband who will become more like an affectionate family member than an impassioned companion?

I know I should be happy with what I have but yet I can’t seem to escape the feeling that there can be something more to this. It’s not that I don’t love my husband or the spark has faded but letting my life slip-slid away in mundane routine is also too painful.

I feel trapped in a domestic life that’s making me feel powerless to reach for my dreams. I love my family but it is suffocating me more and more each day. In marriage and more so in marriage with children, you know you just can’t leave.

And so I choose to be alone. I remain aloof because I don’t want to let anyone down. My isolation isn’t about my gloom or discontent but it is about creating a life which isn’t helpless or powerless. My isolation isn’t about despair or hopelessness but it is about looking into the future so that there actually is a future.

why-i-choose-to-be-aloneAnd in my secluded haven I have learnt to rebuild a world full of fancies and splendor. It is through my writing this world comes alive recycling my all scars into beauty and glory. It helps me step back from my dreary life – rearrange the slivers of broken dreams and escape into a life that makes sense to me.

Writing gives me that much needed release – offering me peep into a world I can never be to – visit places I have never been to  – meet people I have never met – see things I have never seen – hear voices I have never heard – and experience emotions I have never felt.

Loneliness has been a constant companion as long as I can remember. It is part of my life still. It is part of my life but it’s not my life!

Stop Doing What You ‘Should’

singingI woke up in a philosophical mood today. But oops! its Valentine’s Day, I SHOULD have woken up to a beautiful love note. And so I pushed all those pestering thoughts behind and stuffed my mind with pleasing thoughts of love divine to once again meet life with perfection and plastic smile!

But no matter how hard I tried to silent this little voice, it creeped in again and again. Sometimes in bad mood, sometimes in irritability, sometimes in depression and sometimes feeling a strange void and meaninglessness. The harder I curbed, the louder it got. This voice was eating up my mind when I SHOULD be working!

To get my peace of mind and do what I should be doing, I had to listen. While, I was still looking at the clock for the time gone wasted, my soul wanted me to look at the years gone wasted. Because, I had been so full of judgments and ideas about what I should and shouldn’t be doing, I failed to see what I really wanted to do or what my soul wanted to do.

My soul don’t want to work today, but I SHOULD. My soul wants to go out enjoy the weather outside, but I should sit inside and cater to my child, my soul wants to eat dark chocolate, but I should be eating my lunch, my soul wants to bathe under moonlight, but I should rather go to bed……..and so on.

I was now attentive. My soul had a point. For all these years, I had failed to listen to my soul. It was getting buried deeper and deeper. And every time it tried to get through to me, I dismissed it as mere whimsy, folly or illogical desire. But mainly, I feared it.

flowerI was scared Continue reading